apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
