Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
