I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
jump out the window naked night went bad
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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