Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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