3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
