the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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