Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
