Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
