DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
