Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
