I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
