WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
