i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
