She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
