I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
