You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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