my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
