I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
