she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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