My hand turned me down
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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