just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
pop tarts are not kleenex
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
