a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
