I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
