Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Randomize
