These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
So much Jack, so little girl.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
