Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just threw up on my dentist
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
