dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
