OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
