dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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