I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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