in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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