this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
