dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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