haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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