I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
