I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I stole a fireplace last night.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
