I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
please don't ironically join a cult
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