Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
