Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
