At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
