there's paper in my vomit.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
