she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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