i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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