your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
