Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
