They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
