You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
