apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Semen is not good for contacts.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
