You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
