I just cut my nipple shaving
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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