Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
